Statistically, you’re all very stupid.


With the dawn of the information age, more data is available then ever before on the actions, tastes, education level, and general topics of interest of the first world at large. Unfortunately, what we’ve learned from that is pretty depressing: you’re all really fucking stupid. Think I’m overstating it? Well consider:

1. The most popular sites (as measured by social sharing and general traffic) are the equivalent of mental baby food.

Buzzfeed, ViralNova, Upworthy, etc. etc. etc., every one of these sites make the most mindless, least common denominator posts ever, and you faithfully share them to your Facebook feeds. I’m a Yellow M&M! I’m Hodor from Game of Thrones! You won’t believe what trivial bullshit this guy did! 17 examples of people jumping on trampolines, number 6 will change your life!

For anyone with a shred of intelligence and self respect, the mindless banality of this should be obvious, and yet the never ending stream of crap tells me that it’s not. Nearly every one of these posts is a collection of gifs, or a single YouTube video, utterly devoid of any insightful analysis or greater context, and yet you eat it up.

2. You idolize the wrong people, and pass pointless platitudes around as fact.

I saw this the other day:


Let me explain to you how retarded you are for sharing this image around: The “Goal” this guy was going for? Ripping off every day people like yourself in order to pad his bank account. He’s a fucking white collar criminal, you dumb fucks, and yet you’re sharing this shit like he’s Michael Fucking Jordan. Across the interwebz, this is listed under “inspiring quotes”. More than half of you are still feeling the economic effects of his actions, and the actions of other thieving douchebag assholes like him, and you’re celebrating his successes and paying to hear him feed you motivational bullshit.

I swear to God, it’s like I’m punching you in the face, and you’re congratulating me on my “will to succeed”. Could you get any dumber?

Sadly, the answer is yes.

3. Most of you suck at basic science. 

A quarter of Americans don’t believe in climate change. Millions of you think there is actually such a thing as the Law of Attraction. You believe a farting Playboy Bunny’s opinion on vaccines and autism over hundreds of thousands of doctors, scientists, and medical researchers. You believe evolution is “just a theory”, and that Quantum Physics means that you can think something in your mind and change the universe.

And you’re wrong. Fundamentally, demonstrably, scientifically and unarguably wrong.

Not that that matters to you, because you’ll cling to your confirmation bias and your cognitive dissonance, and use it to protect your soft little brain from being injured by real facts getting through. Worse, you’re provably too damn dumb to even know how dumb you are.

Now, more than any other time in history, we can take a snapshot of the human population at large, and gain a greater understanding of our species, its desires, dreams, motivations, hopes, and fears. And, once we look at that snapshot, and realize what a slobbering pile of fuckwits we are, we will hope there’s enough left in this bottle of vodka to drink ourselves to unconsciousness. Cheers!



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    • Seems legit. Do you have a newsletter I can sign up for? Although I’m just going to mark it as spam and complain about all the email I get. 😀