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Hi! I’m a corporation, and here are some of my deeply held religious beliefs.

It can be really hard being a religious legal entity, what with having to listen to women wanting healthcare and all, but thanks to a recent SCOTUS decision, my right to opt out of following laws that impinge upon my deeply held religious beliefs has finally been carved in stone.

It’s been a hard road getting to this landmark corporate person’s rights decision. I’ve had to fight for the right to contribute to political campaigns and throw bundles of cash at politicians, but this latest ruling has really finally made me feel like a real person. Buying contraceptives for my women folk employees would have offended my corporately held religious beliefs, and I’m really glad that the brave conservative Justices recognized that.

Now that the court has made what Justice Ginsburg called “a decision of startling breadth” that would allow corporations to “opt out of any law … they judge incompatible with their sincerely held religious beliefs”, I’d like to talk about some of my other deeply held beliefs. I’ll be bringing additional cases regarding them in the future, so just wanted to give everyone a head’s up:

I’d like to start with Leviticus 25:44:

“Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property. You can will them to your children as inherited property and can make them slaves for life, but you must not rule over your fellow Israelites ruthlessly.”

I’ve tried to be understanding of this “Human Rights” thing, but look, for over 2,000 years, we’ve carried the deeply held belief that we can buy slave labor in other countries, and/or turn immigrants here into slaves (which, honestly, is really preferable, as it cuts down on shipping costs). Not only are labor laws driving up my cost, they are directly infringing upon my deeply held belief that I should be able to buy slaves.

Speaking of slaves, can we talk about Workman’s Comp for a minute? Clearly, Exodus 21:26 says:

“When a man strikes the eye of his slave, male or female, and destroys it, he shall let the slave go free because of his eye.”

Believe me when I say, it’s not just my bottom line I’m looking out for here. If I don’t terminate injured workers instead of paying for their medical care, my immortal corporate soul is in danger. Asking me to risk that is downright un-American. What would George Washington say if he heard you?

Now I know, some of you are likely to go on and on about “income inequality” or some such tripe. Suck it up, buttercup. For as 1 Corinthians 9:24 says:

“Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only (the) one (percent) receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it.”

Granted, they didn’t actually include the word “percent” there, but I’m pretty sure they meant it. You get the point. If you’re not receiving the prize, have you tried running? I’m not sure what your problem is, but it is definitely my deeply held religious belief that we shouldn’t try anything like a government based solution towards rectifying it.

I really could run on about my religious beliefs for hours, but I’m sure you have work to do. The point is, as a non-biological “person” whose sole existence is based on the flimsy premise that a legal entity can and should share in the same basic rights guaranteed to all humans and enshrined in the constitution, I’m really glad to finally feel the weight of religious oppression being lifted off of my not at all real shoulders. What’s more, I’m very much looking forward to sharing more of my deeply held religious beliefs in the future.

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    • No question about it, time and time again, “God” conveniently shares the prejudices of his followers.